I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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