can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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