My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
