My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
