Swine flu. Run for my life!
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
