I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
