I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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