my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
