Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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