I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
