I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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