the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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