When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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