i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
