I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
