I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
