what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
