i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
