its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
