accomplished twins. life is a go
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
