all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
40s are totally the cure
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
