Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
