Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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