I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Randomize
