just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
