You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
