Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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