peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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