I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I am one with the molecules
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
