After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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