I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
