How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
