did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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