This is not my ceiling
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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