I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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