All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
