just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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