Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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