broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
