She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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