Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
