I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
