I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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