i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
