Already got asked if we're dating
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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