why didn't you poke me back
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
