Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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