I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
