he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
