what day is it and did you see me today?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
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