Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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